For four years we had a routine. I was a single mom but it didn’t always feel that way. Her daddy was only a call away and would bend over backwards to help with anything that had to do with his daughter. I remember hearing stories when she would come home for the weekend about riding on the four wheeler with her daddy. She liked to dress him up like her very own princess. Despite working quite a bit to make ends meet, her daddy spend as much time with her as he was able.
In November 2007, over the Thanksgiving holiday, my family went on a cruise to the Bahamas. Maddilyn and I had so much fun. She was 4 years old and very adventurous. We swam in the ocean together and had a time I will never forget. The waves were so bad for the duration of our cruise. We both got sick a couple of the days. We weren’t even able to eat our Thanksgiving day meal. I remember thinking, I cannot wait to get home and on land.
The week we got back, Maddilyn couldn’t wait to see her daddy. He came and picked her up on a Thursday to stay for the weekend. I remember telling them goodbye and saying that I will see them on Sunday when he brought her back. That was the last time I saw her daddy.
The next night, Friday November 30 around 10:00pm or so, I was debating whether or not to go out with a girl friend of mine or just relax at home. Before I could decide, I got a phone call. A phone call that plays over and over in my head even after four years. It was from his girlfriend. She started saying that I needed to come get Maddilyn as soon as possible. I told her that I would be on my way, and asked it everything was alright?! “Justin was in a car accident and he didn’t make it!” My heart stopped beating. My eyes started to glaze over and my body became numb. I felt like I was in a dream. In my head I was telling myself to say something, to move, to breathe, but I just stood there. Finally a jolt came through my body and all I could think about was getting to my daughter. I just wanted to hold her, comfort her, be with her! I grabbed my keys and left immediately.
The drive was about twenty or more minutes, but it felt like a few hours. I couldn’t get there soon enough. My friend had to drive because I didn’t think I was capable. The whole drive there was a blur. The minute we arrived at his mother’s house, I just ran inside. His mother grabbed me immediately and kept repeating something over and over. When all the commotion calmed down, I realized she was saying “Please don’t take her away from me”. I didn’t know what she meant until it hit me. She didn’t want me to stop bringing her granddaughter around. She was the only thing she had left of her son, and I was never going to take that away!
I grabbed Maddiyn from her bed and took her home. Before I left, they informed me that they weren’t able to tell Maddilyn what had happened. I decided to let her sleep the rest of the night and I would think of the best way to tell her in the morning. I was up all night trying to think of what I was going to tell my daughter. How was I supposed to tell my four year old daughter that her daddy just died? I thought of ways to tell her all night and didn’t come up with anything by the time she woke up. I was sitting on the floor crying when she came up to me. She wrapped her beautiful little arms around me and asked me what was wrong. She hugged me and told me it was ok and not to cry.
WHAT? Why am I sitting on the floor crying and letting her comfort me. When I came to my senses I grabbed her up and sat with her on the couch. “Your daddy wrecked his car last night and passed away Maddi.” She just stared at me confused. I didn’t know what else to say. “He got hurt very bad and died last night!” She finally started to understand. She grabbed me and said “It will be ok mommy.”
I couldn’t believe it. She was comforting me! Then I started to realize that she was just too young to comprehend right away. She was more worried about me crying than anything else at the moment. Over time she started to understand. Instead of going with daddy she was visiting her grandma and her daddy’s girlfriend. She started to get angry. At home she would get frustrated when she would get in trouble or have to sit in time out, and ask for her daddy. This killed me! But I had to still be a parent!
I married her stepfather in 2009 who loves her more than anything. While no one will replace Justin, my husband raises her as his own. We still talk about her daddy all of the time and she visits her grandma every other weekend. Coping with the fact that my daughter lost her father has been an experience. Soon after the accident I started a scrap book for Maddilyn. It has pictures of her and her daddy in it. I also wrote her a letter the night of the accident and placed that in there as well. I put the ad that was in the paper, the funeral information, and other things in the scrapbook. When Maddilyn is older I will give this to her so she can fully understand.
Advice that I can give to anyone that has gone through this or will go through this, be strong! Don’t let depression overcome you. Do whatever you have to do to be that main parent for your child. Your child will need you to be there to talk to and answer questions. Not only right after it happens, but years down the road as well!
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